THE MYSTERY MAN

Gloria Phifer

I was 10 years old before I knew about “the mystery man”. I had a father that I didn’t know existed. He lived in California. And, from what I understood, I had not seen him since I was 3 yrs. old.

My mother told me she never loved “the mystery man.” Later she told me I looked like him and I reminded her of him. (Most of my life I would wonder how she really felt about me.)

In my young mind I told myself that “the mystery man” surely cared about me. Although my mother told me he did not.

Someday I would venture out and find “the mystery man.” I imagined someone who really did love me and had always wanted to know me.

When I was older, my uncle told me more about “The mystery man.” It seemed they were good friends. My uncle told me my father was a good man. He owned his own business and that he didn’t drink. Now this news about drinking was very important to me because alcohol was an enemy to me. My mother had become an alcoholic. Although, no one could speak of such a thing. It was a forbidden rule.

My day dream persisted to meet “the mystery man.” I was 19 yrs. old. In November I would be marrying.

 My mother received a letter from my grandmother….”The mystery man" had died the year before.” He had a massive heart attack at 41 yrs. of age.

So what do you do with a mystery man that you will never be able to meet, after you have day dreamed about him for years?

Warren Kenneth you will always be a mystery to me…even though I am told I resemble you. Were you a kind person? Did you ever think about me? Was there ever a time you wanted to see me?  

You remain a mystery in my life that will never be solved here on earth. I pray that in Heaven you will be there and you will be a mystery no more.

I have found a Father Who is not a mystery to me. I know He loves me and cares for me. I know I resemble Him because He made me in His image. He will never abandon or leave me. He meets all of my needs and He understands and knows all about me. He and I talk every day. He wants to hear my voice. He wants to be with me.

 And so I have given up wanting to know what could have been. Maybe I was kept from the mystery because it would have hurt me.

I am safe with my Heavenly Father...

I have found The Father Who loves me as His Own. He will never leave me or forsake me. So, I climb up in His lap where He holds me secure. The Father Who always wanted me from the beginning.

WHEN ANOTHER LAYER OF THE ONION PEALS OFF

ON A SEARCH

Have you ever longed for total acceptance? I have. It seems I am always looking for acceptance...longing to belong.

Acceptance or nonacceptance has been a struggle all my life. My mother gave birth to me at 18 years old. I wasn't wanted.

My real dad gave up custody of me and moved to California. I never saw him again. He died at 41 of a massive heart-attack.
I had always daydreamed of finding him.

I had 2 Aunts who I knew loved and accepted me always...Aunt April and Aunt Ruby. I could see that acceptance in their eyes and loved their hugs.

 As a teenager, in my presence, my mom told my grandmother "Gloria has ruined my life."

Almost every year I dealt with "acceptance and trying to belong."
We were usually on the move. I changed schools 14 times. Each time, I had to make my way....searching for acceptance.

I also have realized, through the book, "Five Love Languages," that the way I feel love, is by affirmation. Words mean a great deal to me. They hit my heart. Either giving me encouragement or on occasion hurt. I try to be careful with my words. I know the power they have of tearing down or lifting up. "Life and death are in the power of the tongue."

At 22 years old I gave my life to Jesus Christ and was filled with
The Holy Spirit. This began a journey of "acceptance and learning about real love." I had accepted Him, but really, He had accepted me and made me His child.

I still remember the deep revelation, He gave me. He had planned me from the beginning (Ps. 139.) I was a "wanted child". He planned my birth. He wanted me to know Him, to love Him and serve Him.

Eph1:11 "Moreover, because of what Christ has done, we have become gifts to God that He delights in. For as part of a sovereign plan we were chosen from the beginning to be his, and all things happened just as He decided long ago"

A gift to God!!! Chosen in the beginning to be His!!!

KJV. "You are accepted in The Beloved!!! Accepted!!! Wanted!!! Chosen!!!

You are probably wondering.."What does this have to do with pealing an onion?

The reason I am writing this now, is because another layer is coming off.  I have received a lot of healing and then I think..."okay, we're done with that now."  But once again I am dealing with "acceptance." I don't want to...but there it is.

Time passes and I realize The Lord is revealing another layer. You see, I am a work in progress. It's like an onion...peal off a layer and you think it's done and ...then...you discover there is another layer.

Honestly, the onion stinks. It makes my eyes tear up. I really  would like to ignore it....but I know it's bringing me into more wholeness. Like a refining fire. When the heat is on the gold the dross surfices to the top and the Gold Smith skims off the dross. This process continues until The Gold Smith can see His reflection in the gold.

Some years back, our son Timothy, moved to California. He took me to San Diego. We found my dad's grave.  We knew his address but as we drove in circles Tim said, because of the freeway, his residence was gone.

Another time, when my husband and I were in Phoenix, we visited my dad's nephew. I was hoping to find out more about my dad. But, my dad was a mystery man, my cousin knew little of him.

My mother had told me about him when I was 10. She had said he didn't care about me. But he was on my mind. I wanted to find something good about him. He was my dad.

We returned to our hotel room and I went to the pool. It was 10 at night. I was the only one there. I was sad and disappointed. I had
searched for a dad who had never been in my life. Had I meant anything to him? Had he ever thought about me? 

"Identity". The word keep coming to my mind. Then I heard The Lord speak to my heart..."Your identity is in ME." I hadn't realized, until that moment, that I was searching for my own identity in a father I never knew.

There, at the pool, on a warm Phoenix night,

the Lord talked to me. (in my heart) He is my Father...He actually became a mother to me also...nurturing me. He wanted me. He chose me. He accepted me. His acceptance and love is unconditional. I will always be His. I am accepted In The Beloved. I am His child.
                         
                     I am Christs and He is mine.
Lord, engrave this on my heart. Put this deep in my spirit in Jesus Name Amen

Lord, help me to trust you as you take the layers off...make me completely whole in Jesus Name Amen



 

FINDING REAL JOY

GOOD MORNING...this Friday the word is "JOY.".................Gloria Phifer

                                                   

With our youngest granddaughter..  great .Joy

I speak a lot from my life...my point of reference.  When I was 19 yrs old I married the love of my life. There was joy.  We stood in front of a Pastor, in his house, with two friends and their baby.  I shifted in the blue, size 5 1/2 shoes, that I had borrowed (I wore 6 1/2) The white dress I wore was borrowed also.  We didn't have a camera so there are no pictures.

I had a new last name. I had never owned a car and now I had a car plus a husband. LOL.

There was joy. Almost immediately I was expecting.  There was joy! We wanted this child.  When I began cramping I was so afraid. I screamed at the doctor on the air force  base (My husband was in the Air force) "I do not want to lose this baby!!!" The poor man, it was eleven at night and this young woman is demanding to keep this baby.  Of course he had no power to do keep me from miscarrying. Our joy turned into sorrow.

We were still happy to be married. My husband said "We should have married a long time ago." Well let's see...I was 19 and he was 20..I don't think a long time ago would have worked.

There were times of laughter when my husband invited his buddy and date to come to supper. We had 4 melmac plates, 4 forks and one sharp knife.  I mashed potatoes, put them in a plastic bowl and put them in the oven (on low, I think). When I opened the oven door every one " oohed and aaawed"..it was beautiful. It looked like meringue.  The bowl had melted.

  My husband was given a dog from the colonel on the base. I had made my first meat loaf. I gave the dog the remains...he got sick.  We had 7 dollars and yes, the vet cost 7 dollars. But there was joy. We were learning. (Hopefully I was learning to cook.)

Five months into our marriage, my husband received orders from the Air Force. He would be stationed in Alaska. On a base that was isolated. I could not go with him.   Where did the joy go?

I felt no joy. I had lost my first baby. My husband would be leaving for a year. I knew I wouldn't survive if I returned to my family of origin...Alcohol...and I had gone through a lot of abuse.

We came to the Midwest. We lived with his parents for a month before he left. Every afternoon I would begin crying. I saw no hope.  When he left, I went into a depression. The sun was shining but it was like the lens of my soul were dark.  Was life worth living? I was living among strangers.
Truthfully I didn't feel that I was wanted there. I had no joy.

I began working in a overhaul factory (my mother in laws idea). It was my first  summer in humidity.
 There was no air conditioning and behind my sewing machine were the hot steam irons.
I was getting sick.  My clothes were not fitting.  Finally, I went to a doctor.

I was pregnant!!! I began crying. The doctor looked at me, wondering why I was crying? I was crying for JOY!!! I wanted this child.  Even though my new family was not encouraging to me about being pregnant.

 When my husband called, he had joy too. I quit the job; because I did not want to do anything to lose this child.  I remember the first time I felt the small, butterfly movement in my stomach. It was wondrous...A baby was with in me and was moving.  Our first  child, Terrie Lynn was born in January.   I had joy!!!

Our daughter and I moved into our own apartment. I knew nothing about postpartum after having a baby. I fought depression. For 4 months, in my first Midwest winter, I looked out at a brick wall. For 4 months I was the only one who took care of Terrie. I waited anxiously for April to come when my husband would return. I really thought I was losing it.

When my husband returned...there was joy!!!  He was done with his 4 years in the Air Force.
We moved to another town. Miraculously, a builder gave us a wonderful opportunity to own a small 3 bedroom house.  I was still fighting fear...There was no reason for me not to have joy. My husband was home, I had a baby girl I loved. I had my own home. But I was empty.

It is a long story so I will tell you the solution. When I was 22 yrs old I asked Jesus Christ to come into my life and I was filled with the Holy Spirit.  For the first time in my life...I knew REAL JOY!!!
That was 48 years ago.

I have had so much joy. The Lord has been so good to us. I am so thankful.  We have 3 children and 9 grandchildren. I have had the joy of seeing my Mother, my brother and my step dad accept the Lord plus all our children. All but the youngest grandchild have told me they have accepted Jesus Christ as their Savior.

I found the true joy...HIS NAME IS JESUS CHRIST!  Are you searching for joy? Call on His Name...Acts 2:21 "Whosoever shall call on the Name of the Lord shall be saved.  There is JOY!

FINDING HOME

                                                              Gloria Phifer



I  have dreams where I am desperately trying to get back home.  When I was relating another dream to my husband he said,,,:"Maybe someday you will be home."

This comment has caused me to think.  I know the dreams are from the insecurity I had as a child. I attended 14 schools. We were always on the "move."  I have prayed, asking the Lord to heal my subconscious in this area, and the dreams have lessened to a great extent.

Tomorrow is my 70th birthday. Where has time gone? My children are grown. All but one grandchild are in their twenties or late teens.


When I was 22 yrs old, I surrendered my life to Jesus Christ. I say "surrender" because I wanted to run and be in control of my own life.  But I was spiraling down. I was lost.

 I realized I couldn't make it without Him. When I asked Jesus into my life...I wondered why I had been running from Him. I found the truth of....

Matthew 11:28-30. "Come unto Me, all you that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me; for I Am meek and lowly in heart: and you shall find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light."

Jesus took my life that was so full of fear and gave me peace. He gave me joy. He gave me security. He gave me a home. I have lived in the same town for close to 50 years.

Lately, I have been meditating on..."Jesus is my Home."  Wherever I am He is always with me. In the middle of the night, whenever there is no one to listen...He hears my heart. He comforts me through His Holy Spirit Who lives in my heart.


HOME...someday I will enter my eternal HOME.  JESUS CHRIST made the way so I can go HOME.

MY FATHER'S CHILD

I AM MY FATHER'S CHILD





  

A QUEST FOR IDENTITY

By Gloria Phifer

            Identity…"The state of being identified. The condition or character as to who a person is." (Dictionary.)

            I never knew my real father.  He and my mother were divorced when I was three. I didn't know that he even existed until I was ten. My mother told me. I had always thought my step father, Slim, was my dad.

            My mother said he lived in California. My Aunt Ruby told me he had loved my mom. My Uncle Don (who had been his friend) told me he was a good guy…didn't drink and was a good business man. He owned a business in California. Other then that…he was a mystery. He had been in the 2nd World War when I was born. He was in the Army Air Force.  My mother also told me he didn't care anything about me or he wouldn't have given up custody of me…OUCH!

            I day dreamed about finding him. When I was older I would go to California and search for him.  That dream was never realized. When I was 19 years old (right before I married) my grandmother sent a letter…my father, age 41, had died of a massive heart attack.

            When I was in my 40"s my mother told me how I could find his daughter, Linda Lee. She was 4 years older than me. When I contacted her the first words were, "Gloria, I've been looking for you for 21 years." My mother had written her mother a letter asking if Linda and I could meet. Linda's step father said, "No." When Linda got married and left home she began searching for me. My family was a rolling stone that never gathered moss. We were always on the move.

            I flew to New Mexico, where Linda was, and we tried to put our information together about this man who had fathered us. Linda was on the same quest that I was on. Linda had more pictures then I did and she had known our grandfather. I did learn more about the family. For instance, my father's grandparents, were traveling, Baptist Evangelists.

My dad's mother was very musical; she played the guitar and sang. She sang in church and on the radio.

            After this visit, I received letters from my father's first cousin and she sent me pictures of the family. She told me my dad had very fair skin (did not like to be out in the sun…and neither do I) He had blue eyes.

            So, I was gathering information. But who was this man? My mother said I looked like him and was a lot like him.  Who was he???

            Our son Timothy moved to California through his job. I visited him there and he took me to San Diego. We found my father's grave…he was buried in a military cemetery.

            On another visit to California, my husband and I spent an evening with my father's nephew. (We had been in contact through mail.)  His mother was my father's sister. I found out my grandmother and Aunt had both died of heart attacks. Another sister had died of cancer. There was really no one else to contact. As we visited that evening with my cousin…I realized he had not spent much time with my father. I found out about his mother, my aunt, but not my father.

            When we returned to the motel my husband went to the room. I decided to go to the swimming pool. There was no one there but me. I felt this emptiness…the void of not knowing my father. I was disappointed.

            As I began to pray the word "identity" kept surfacing in my mind. Finally, I listened.

I heard the gentle voice of the Lord speak to my heart…"your identity is in Me!"

I said, "Yes Lord, my identity is in You."

            The Lord began a wonderful work in my life. He began teaching me who I am in Him…In Christ. I have a Father. A Father Who will never leave me or forsake me.

My earthly father's DNA is in me.  Christ's DNA flows through me.

            I was not a child that was planned or wanted. The Lord showed me I was born because He wanted me. He has a destiny for my life. He planned me from the beginning. My Heavenly Father…the One Who gave me life.

            It is interesting; from that time forward I have never felt the need to search for any more information on my earthly dad. I have received some from an unexpected source. But, even then I was at peace. The Lord had settled it in my heart.

            I have a Father Who wanted me…is always there for me…meets all my needs and loves me with an everlasting love. 

            Jeremiah 1:5 "He has known us from the womb and has called us by name." Ps 139:13-18 He has covered us in our mother's womb. He saw us being formed before we were born.

I am my Father's child.