AS A LITTLE CHILD

Painting By Gloria Phifer...No Fear In Love.

Even though you are all grown up, do you ever feel like the little child you were?

Many of you know my story...that I was a child that wasn't wanted and I was told that.

In an alcoholic home, with abuse, anger, fights, I was very afraid and insecure. I didn't want to go home after school. There was no peace, no security, no surety of where I would be next. I changed schools 14 times.

At 22 yrs old, when I felt my life was falling apart I surrendered my life to Christ. I say "surrender" because there were times in my life when He would speak to me. But I wanted to control my own life. As if anything was in "control."

What I found was a Savior, Someone Who really loved me and He told me He had wanted me to be born and I was born for Him.

For the 1st time in my life, I found peace. I had to learn how to live a normal, everyday life.

You would laugh if you knew my age. I have been a Christian for over 50 years. The Lord has been so faithful to me. I have a husband, children, grandchildren and now I am a great grandmother.

But sometimes, something will happen and there is that little girl again. I don't want to go there...It is like an onion. I have had much healing and I think I am all healed and then...there is another layer...and truly "It stinks."

I don't want to feel those things that come to the surface. Every time...and you would think I was a little girl if you saw me go to The Lord and cry and talk to Him about it.  And, then I feel what that little girl felt. The Lord gives me the assurance and I feel like He holds me.

So what do I do with this little girl, Gloria, that comes to the surface once in a while? (And I will say it isn't real often...just when something triggers it.)

I was at someone's house. They were talking and I didn't feel heard. Also, I was diagnosed with celiac, so I can't eat gluten. I kept telling myself it didn't matter if I could eat with them or not. But it did bother me...I try to come after dessert...but there it was. After 10 years, I still have a secret sadness that I can't have it with everyone else. Yes, I felt like a child. And as things went on, I tried so hard, but I began to cry. And I was so embarrassed and I knew they didn't understand. Even as I am writing this I really don't know why it was so emotional to me. But there it was...and there was my vulnerability.

So, there is also the child again. What do I do with little Gloria...I know I need to love and understand her like I would someone else. And that's when I go to The Lord...here I am again Lord...And He always understands. Someday, when I am in Heaven, I won't have these feelings. But, while I am here I need to learn what He wants me to learn.

I will say this, I do believe because of what I have been through I understand a lot what others are going through.

And I love little Gloria. She belongs to The Lord.

REGRETS

Gloria Phifer

The word "regret?" the concept  is one of negativity. I don't see regret as a positive word. As I thought on this word...there is one basic regret I have...

When I was 15 yrs old, there was something going on in our home that made me afraid. I never shared anything that happened at home, I kept it all inside. My mother told me that nothing should be told that took place in our home. Secrecy, and yet it was known. We lived it every day. 

An X friend of my mother's sat in his yellow cadillac watching our house. My mother had told him it was over.

  I was scared of him. The yellow cadillac sat like a menace on the corner.

My mother said, "I'm going to begin picking your brother up from school because I am afraid of what "he" (the man in the car) might do. She said, "I am really worried about you. because he hates you." But, she never said she would pick me up from school. And this added to my fears.

I begin going into the bathroom, locking door and praying, asking God for help.

One day, as I was walking home from school, my arms were heavy as I carried my books and my legs felt like weight. I was under so much stress, tension and fear.

"Are you saved?" was a penetrating thought in my mind. Hmmm
this was a spiritual question I knew that. But, what was "saved?"

I begin a conversation with this thought. "I'm a good girl, I don't drink and I don't smoke...and you should see what my friends do" (There, that surely put me in a good light...right?_)

Now, you need to know that we rarely, except for a short time in Montana, went to church. I had listened to Billy Graham before.

Another penetrating thought...with two sentences. "You, must be born again. And, it is a straight and narrow way."

I knew in my heart I had not been born again. (Although I could not tell you or myself how to be born again.) and I knew instinctively that I was not on a straight and narrow way.

I also had a deep revelation that this was serious. This was a full commitment. I knew it would mean a complete change of life. I knew that it would mean giving up control. 

Why I did not ask questions, I do not know. Why I didn't respond in a different way...I do know...I did not want to give up control. What would this be like? What would it mean? Would He send me to Africa? 

I actually dismissed the thoughts, telling myself I was too young, maybe when I got older.

What is very interesting , I did not know how to be "born again." I did not know what the straight and narrow way really was. I just had the sense that it meant a complete surrender and I was afraid of complete surrender.

I even realized that God was trying to answer my prayers. Later in life I could see how He persisted. Our life became worse. I didn't know if life was worth living. I was moved basically every year...beginning a new school. Trying to fit in...missing wherever I had just come from. No stability. a mother who I felt hated me. Afraid to talk to anyone about the drinking, the violence, the abuse, the calling the police. 

There were nights I was up until 2:30...taking care of my brother making sure he was asleep...waiting for my mothers car to pull into the driveway so I could sleep. I was awake because I was scared. Or up until 4 after there had been a drunken fight and the police came.

I was missing a lot of school. One day, I went to get a pass to get back into class , the Vice Principal said, "If you miss one more day of school you are out of here." If only he had known...but would I have even told...there would be big consequences if I told anyone what was happening. 

It is a longer story. But my life spiraled down. I did marry at 19 to a wonderful young man. But he was sent to Alaska through the Air force for a year in isolation and I couldn't go with him. I came and lived with his family...who were strangers to me. I realized I was pregnant.

My daughter and I moved into an apartment and for 4 months I looked out at a brick wall. No one took care of my daughter but me. I had no support.

My husband returned and we moved to a small town. Through that year, I had realized I wasn't going to make it on my own. I knew I needed The Lord. After reading in the Book of John in the Bible I prayed and I was born again.

What had I been afraid of? This was "Peace." It was joy" It was Jesus!!!

So, my one regret is, that I didn't come to the Lord when He 1st spoke to me on my way home from school. Because in coming to Him I found The Person Who knows me and loves me unconditionally.

One statement that The Lord gave me, that changed so much in the way I saw myself was, "I was born for Him...He had planned my birth. He had brought me to Himself. I was born for Him.

Regrets can be put under the Blood of Jesus. We don't need to carry them. Grace and Mercy come with The Lord. He will take everything we have gone through and use it to help other people. 

Do not hesitate, as I did, in giving your life to The Lord. It is like walking in a dark place,

suddenly a Door opens and Light streams in  surrounding you and swallows up and destroys the darkness. 

Here is a prayer. "Lord Jesus, this life is so hard, I need and ask You to forgive my sins, I receive You as my Savior and my Lord. Come, Lord Jesus, into my life. I give myself and all that concerns me to You in Jesus Name Amen."

HOW IT FEELS TO BE ALONE.

Gloria Phifer

I am joining the FMF group of ladies...the word is "ALONE."

Gloria Sherlene Williams

I entered the elementary school. I knew no one.

 My step father, had accidentally been electrocuted, on his job as a lineman, for the New Mexico Public Service, in the early summer. My mother had decided to move us to Socorro, New Mexico.

My 10 year old heart pounded as I walked into my 5th grade classroom.  Heads turned toward me. I was the "new" girl.

At recess, yes, we still had recess. I stood alone. The other girls jumped rope and I watched.  My heart ached. I had lost the only father I knew, and had been taken out of everything that was familiar. 

This happened to me 14 times in the years to come. I was always the "new" girl. Most of my childhood I felt "alone." (accept for my cat.)

 I felt alone, as my mother and new stepdad joined the world of alcohol. I was left alone with my younger brother, until my Mom would come home, after 2Am in the morning (after the bars closed). 

I felt alone, as a 12 year old, struggling against the yellow water swallowing me in the Rio Grande river. A friend and I had decided to try swimming...only to find ourselves in an 8 foot hole.

Unbeknownst to me, they say, I went to the bottom and pushed myself up over and over again. Thanks to my friends dad, I lived.  But, my friend died. I was so alone, in my sorrow and survival guilt. My friend had died,and I had lived. 

I was so alone, as my mother became more abusive. She let me know, I reminded her of my real father, who she didn't love. I was so alone, when she was verbal, mentally and physically abusive. 

One night, when I was a teenager, I was at a dance. I had looked forward to this all week. As I was circled with friends...I felt this deep loneliness...you might as well have put a spot light on me. It was a deep emptiness.( I know now...it was God, spot lighting my heart.)

I could go on... At 20 years old, I was told that my husband was being sent to Alaska (air force). We had only been married 5 months. He was on a site where I could not go. 

 Not sure I wanted to live. And then...discovering I had a "Life" inside me. I was expecting our daughter! I began crying at the doctor's office, when he told me. It was out of joy. As I carried Terrie, I never felt alone. 

 My husband came home. I had a wonderful husband, a daughter, a home. But inside of me, I fought a lot of fear. I felt alone in that fear. 

I began reading the Bible. In the Book of John. I saw where Jesus said, "Any one who comes to me I will not cast him out." What I saw in this passage was, that if I came to Him, He would take me in.  I came to Jesus. I was 22 years old. 

He delivered me from fear. He gave me a reason to live. He showed me how He has always wanted me. How He has always loved me.
I am never alone. He is always with me. 

Now, when I walk into some place new...I know He is with me. 

If you feel alone, abandoned, rejected...call on The Name of Jesus...you will find Someone Who loves you. Someone Who will fill that empty place. Someone Who walks with you every moment of every day. 

Jesus said..."Come unto Me all you who are weak and heavy laden and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28.

You never have to be alone again.  Ask Jesus into your life.