AS A LITTLE CHILD

Painting By Gloria Phifer...No Fear In Love.

Even though you are all grown up, do you ever feel like the little child you were?

Many of you know my story...that I was a child that wasn't wanted and I was told that.

In an alcoholic home, with abuse, anger, fights, I was very afraid and insecure. I didn't want to go home after school. There was no peace, no security, no surety of where I would be next. I changed schools 14 times.

At 22 yrs old, when I felt my life was falling apart I surrendered my life to Christ. I say "surrender" because there were times in my life when He would speak to me. But I wanted to control my own life. As if anything was in "control."

What I found was a Savior, Someone Who really loved me and He told me He had wanted me to be born and I was born for Him.

For the 1st time in my life, I found peace. I had to learn how to live a normal, everyday life.

You would laugh if you knew my age. I have been a Christian for over 50 years. The Lord has been so faithful to me. I have a husband, children, grandchildren and now I am a great grandmother.

But sometimes, something will happen and there is that little girl again. I don't want to go there...It is like an onion. I have had much healing and I think I am all healed and then...there is another layer...and truly "It stinks."

I don't want to feel those things that come to the surface. Every time...and you would think I was a little girl if you saw me go to The Lord and cry and talk to Him about it.  And, then I feel what that little girl felt. The Lord gives me the assurance and I feel like He holds me.

So what do I do with this little girl, Gloria, that comes to the surface once in a while? (And I will say it isn't real often...just when something triggers it.)

I was at someone's house. They were talking and I didn't feel heard. Also, I was diagnosed with celiac, so I can't eat gluten. I kept telling myself it didn't matter if I could eat with them or not. But it did bother me...I try to come after dessert...but there it was. After 10 years, I still have a secret sadness that I can't have it with everyone else. Yes, I felt like a child. And as things went on, I tried so hard, but I began to cry. And I was so embarrassed and I knew they didn't understand. Even as I am writing this I really don't know why it was so emotional to me. But there it was...and there was my vulnerability.

So, there is also the child again. What do I do with little Gloria...I know I need to love and understand her like I would someone else. And that's when I go to The Lord...here I am again Lord...And He always understands. Someday, when I am in Heaven, I won't have these feelings. But, while I am here I need to learn what He wants me to learn.

I will say this, I do believe because of what I have been through I understand a lot what others are going through.

And I love little Gloria. She belongs to The Lord.