I always loved my Mom. But, even as a child, I felt something wasn't right. I was a very perceptive and sensitive child. I easily picked up on what was happening around me.
I always had the feeling my mother "needed" me. She told me God had given a commandment that I was to always honor her. All my life I tried to keep this commandment
My mother shared many things with me that I was much too young to know and obsorb that information.
When I was 10, she told me the shocking news that my step father was not my father. She had married my real father to get away from home when she was 16. At 17 (I found this out later in life) my grandmother and oldest aunt tried to talk her into aborting me.
My step father was accidentally electrocuted at his work as a line man. That was when things really changed with my mother and I.
My brother was my step fathers son. Now, I felt that she turned toward my brother. She told me that I reminded her of my real father...who she said she never really loved.
In my teenager years she told me I had ruined her body when I was born. When my grandmother said to my mom "you are going to ruin Gloria's life". My mother answered, in front of me, "Gloria has already ruined my life."
As the years passed my mother became more abusive to me. Alcohol and drugs permeated her life. And affected ours.
We moved almost every year...I had no security. I was very afraid for different reasons. Certain people who came into our lives.
But, in all of this..."I loved my mother." I tried hard to please her.
She put me in charge of my brother, who was five years younger than me. She left me with him while she went to the bars. Many nights I didn't get to sleep until after 2:30 when she got home. I was fighting a lot of fear.
Through the grace of God I met a young man from Iowa. God really did use him to rescue me. We married and through a long story...we ended up living in Iowa.
We had a baby girl. I wanted so much to be a good mother. I was fighting a lot of fear. I knew I needed God.
Through a series of events (and neighbors) I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I was filled with The Holy Spirit.
It is a very long story, but my mother, brother, another step dad, Deryl, moved to Iowa and they all accepted Jesus.
I thought the battle was won!!! Now all would be well. I didn't understand that the battle took on different dimensions. I realized I couldn't talk to my mother...I was afraid of her and when I told her that she said, "If you mean you have to treat me with kid gloves, you're right." And she slammed the door and left.
When you are a child, raised in dysfunction, you don't even realize or recognize abuse. you know there is something wrong but you have been told for so long it is your fault you believe it.
Sadly, my mother and step dad moved back west and back into alcohol and drugs. For 7 years they were homeless.
I learned a lot about God's love. He continually laid them on my heart...He would not let them go. He told me He would set the captives free.
They were set free, but it took a tragedy, brought on by drinking. Thank God they weren't killed.
They separated. My step dad called me. he wasn't sure he would go to Heaven. He prayed with me and I witnessed with him that he had accepted Jesus as his Savior. he is now in Heaven.
Eventually, my mother sobered up. She had a stroke. laying on her hospital she said to me "I have many regrets." I said, "Mom, Jesus has forgiven you, you need to forgive yourself."
I was not there when my mother died, a few years later. I was sad I wasn't there. I felt guilt.
One night, actually early morning, as I was sleeping, I saw my mother and Jesus smiling down on me. It was so real. The Lord said to me, "She has done many things but I will never bring them up to her."
I asked my friend, Michelle, "Why did He tell me that, I know that?"
Michelle said, "He wants you to know that your mother knows it now."
My husband asked me today if I miss my mom. I do miss hearing her voice on the phone. But, what I really feel is "relief and thankfulness." I know she is safe!!! I know she is with Jesus. And I know I will see her again.
Yes, I love my mother