|ON A SEARCH|
Acceptance or nonacceptance has been a struggle all my life. My mother gave birth to me at 18 years old. I wasn't wanted.
My real dad gave up custody of me and moved to California. I never saw him again. He died at 41 of a massive heart-attack.
I had always daydreamed of finding him.
I had 2 Aunts who I knew loved and accepted me always...Aunt April and Aunt Ruby. I could see that acceptance in their eyes and loved their hugs.
As a teenager, in my presence, my mom told my grandmother "Gloria has ruined my life."
Almost every year I dealt with "acceptance and trying to belong."
We were usually on the move. I changed schools 14 times. Each time, I had to make my way....searching for acceptance.
I also have realized, through the book, "Five Love Languages," that the way I feel love, is by affirmation. Words mean a great deal to me. They hit my heart. Either giving me encouragement or on occasion hurt. I try to be careful with my words. I know the power they have of tearing down or lifting up. "Life and death are in the power of the tongue."
At 22 years old I gave my life to Jesus Christ and was filled with
The Holy Spirit. This began a journey of "acceptance and learning about real love." I had accepted Him, but really, He had accepted me and made me His child.
I still remember the deep revelation, He gave me. He had planned me from the beginning (Ps. 139.) I was a "wanted child". He planned my birth. He wanted me to know Him, to love Him and serve Him.
Eph1:11 "Moreover, because of what Christ has done, we have become gifts to God that He delights in. For as part of a sovereign plan we were chosen from the beginning to be his, and all things happened just as He decided long ago"
A gift to God!!! Chosen in the beginning to be His!!!
KJV. "You are accepted in The Beloved!!! Accepted!!! Wanted!!! Chosen!!!
You are probably wondering.."What does this have to do with pealing an onion?
The reason I am writing this now, is because another layer is coming off. I have received a lot of healing and then I think..."okay, we're done with that now." But once again I am dealing with "acceptance." I don't want to...but there it is.
Time passes and I realize The Lord is revealing another layer. You see, I am a work in progress. It's like an onion...peal off a layer and you think it's done and ...then...you discover there is another layer.
Honestly, the onion stinks. It makes my eyes tear up. I really would like to ignore it....but I know it's bringing me into more wholeness. Like a refining fire. When the heat is on the gold the dross surfices to the top and the Gold Smith skims off the dross. This process continues until The Gold Smith can see His reflection in the gold.
Some years back, our son Timothy, moved to California. He took me to San Diego. We found my dad's grave. We knew his address but as we drove in circles Tim said, because of the freeway, his residence was gone.
Another time, when my husband and I were in Phoenix, we visited my dad's nephew. I was hoping to find out more about my dad. But, my dad was a mystery man, my cousin knew little of him.
My mother had told me about him when I was 10. She had said he didn't care about me. But he was on my mind. I wanted to find something good about him. He was my dad.
We returned to our hotel room and I went to the pool. It was 10 at night. I was the only one there. I was sad and disappointed. I had
searched for a dad who had never been in my life. Had I meant anything to him? Had he ever thought about me?
"Identity". The word keep coming to my mind. Then I heard The Lord speak to my heart..."Your identity is in ME." I hadn't realized, until that moment, that I was searching for my own identity in a father I never knew.
There, at the pool, on a warm Phoenix night,
the Lord talked to me. (in my heart) He is my Father...He actually became a mother to me also...nurturing me. He wanted me. He chose me. He accepted me. His acceptance and love is unconditional. I will always be His. I am accepted In The Beloved. I am His child.
I am Christs and He is mine.
Lord, engrave this on my heart. Put this deep in my spirit in Jesus Name Amen
Lord, help me to trust you as you take the layers off...make me completely whole in Jesus Name Amen