Todays theme for Five Minute Friday is...Leave.
This word brings up many emotions to me. As a child and young person I was always leaving. Fourteen changes in schools...Four different high schools. Yes, I was also arriving...but it took change and risk. Walking into new situations. Meeting new people. Trying to fit in.
The best "leave" for me was not what I thought was best at the time. My husband was stationed in Alaska for a year and I could not go with him. I left my home state and came to the Midwest to live with his family...(who I really didn't know.) During this time I had a baby girl. She was four months old when her Daddy came home.
I was determined to "leave" the Midwest and return to my home state... out west. The Lord, I discovered, had different plans. My husband began a new job (no longer in the air force) and we settled into a town in the Midwest.
The Lord had been drawing me to him. The year, while my husband was gone, I had come to realize I needed God. I could not do life on my own. At 22 yrs old I asked Jesus to come into my life.
I have had many healings from my childhood trauma. The time when you think...oh I'm all healed up. Surprise!
This last Monday I was watching a Beth Moore video at Bible study. She was speaking on "nurturing" and "parenting. I was so surprised when I felt the heaviness and tears began to roll out of my eyes. I can never think of a time in my young life when I was nurtured...loved...or wanted.
This was not the only reason for the tears...the Lord was plainly saying to me.."I want to do this work in your life". (But Lord, I thought we had already gone through that).
I knelt that night by my bed and cried...I felt His presence around me...in my imagination I laid my head on his chest.
I know there is a new work He wants to do. It will mean leaving behind many things. I had to admit to him my insecurities. My feelings of not feeling valued. My longing for a mother and a father. My hurts over not having these in my young life.( Or even in my older life.)
I am not sure everything He will teach me. Or the incredible work He is determined to do in me...but I am willing.
I am willing to leave the insecurity. The lie of being abandoned (For He never abandoned me.) Realizing, that the important people in my life, just could not give me what I needed. But, The Lord has everything to give to me.
I am ready to leave what was old and embrace the newness He has for me...
I love You Jesus...work on