The word "regret?" the concept is one of negativity. I don't see regret as a positive word. As I thought on this word...there is one basic regret I have...
When I was 15 yrs old, there was something going on in our home that made me afraid. I never shared anything that happened at home, I kept it all inside. My mother told me that nothing should be told that took place in our home. Secrecy, and yet it was known. We lived it every day.
An X friend of my mother's sat in his yellow cadillac watching our house. My mother had told him it was over.
I was scared of him. The yellow cadillac sat like a menace on the corner.
My mother said, "I'm going to begin picking your brother up from school because I am afraid of what "he" (the man in the car) might do. She said, "I am really worried about you. because he hates you." But, she never said she would pick me up from school. And this added to my fears.
I begin going into the bathroom, locking door and praying, asking God for help.
One day, as I was walking home from school, my arms were heavy as I carried my books and my legs felt like weight. I was under so much stress, tension and fear.
"Are you saved?" was a penetrating thought in my mind. Hmmm
this was a spiritual question I knew that. But, what was "saved?"
I begin a conversation with this thought. "I'm a good girl, I don't drink and I don't smoke...and you should see what my friends do" (There, that surely put me in a good light...right?_)
Now, you need to know that we rarely, except for a short time in Montana, went to church. I had listened to Billy Graham before.
Another penetrating thought...with two sentences. "You, must be born again. And, it is a straight and narrow way."
I knew in my heart I had not been born again. (Although I could not tell you or myself how to be born again.) and I knew instinctively that I was not on a straight and narrow way.
I also had a deep revelation that this was serious. This was a full commitment. I knew it would mean a complete change of life. I knew that it would mean giving up control.
Why I did not ask questions, I do not know. Why I didn't respond in a different way...I do know...I did not want to give up control. What would this be like? What would it mean? Would He send me to Africa?
I actually dismissed the thoughts, telling myself I was too young, maybe when I got older.
What is very interesting , I did not know how to be "born again." I did not know what the straight and narrow way really was. I just had the sense that it meant a complete surrender and I was afraid of complete surrender.
I even realized that God was trying to answer my prayers. Later in life I could see how He persisted. Our life became worse. I didn't know if life was worth living. I was moved basically every year...beginning a new school. Trying to fit in...missing wherever I had just come from. No stability. a mother who I felt hated me. Afraid to talk to anyone about the drinking, the violence, the abuse, the calling the police.
There were nights I was up until 2:30...taking care of my brother making sure he was asleep...waiting for my mothers car to pull into the driveway so I could sleep. I was awake because I was scared. Or up until 4 after there had been a drunken fight and the police came.
I was missing a lot of school. One day, I went to get a pass to get back into class , the Vice Principal said, "If you miss one more day of school you are out of here." If only he had known...but would I have even told...there would be big consequences if I told anyone what was happening.
It is a longer story. But my life spiraled down. I did marry at 19 to a wonderful young man. But he was sent to Alaska through the Air force for a year in isolation and I couldn't go with him. I came and lived with his family...who were strangers to me. I realized I was pregnant.
My daughter and I moved into an apartment and for 4 months I looked out at a brick wall. No one took care of my daughter but me. I had no support.
My husband returned and we moved to a small town. Through that year, I had realized I wasn't going to make it on my own. I knew I needed The Lord. After reading in the Book of John in the Bible I prayed and I was born again.
What had I been afraid of? This was "Peace." It was joy" It was Jesus!!!
So, my one regret is, that I didn't come to the Lord when He 1st spoke to me on my way home from school. Because in coming to Him I found The Person Who knows me and loves me unconditionally.
One statement that The Lord gave me, that changed so much in the way I saw myself was, "I was born for Him...He had planned my birth. He had brought me to Himself. I was born for Him.
Regrets can be put under the Blood of Jesus. We don't need to carry them. Grace and Mercy come with The Lord. He will take everything we have gone through and use it to help other people.
Do not hesitate, as I did, in giving your life to The Lord. It is like walking in a dark place,
Here is a prayer. "Lord Jesus, this life is so hard, I need and ask You to forgive my sins, I receive You as my Savior and my Lord. Come, Lord Jesus, into my life. I give myself and all that concerns me to You in Jesus Name Amen."
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